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Funny.Com Points To Ponder

Budgie Jumping

 

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EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Joe is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible. (John Project Leader)

A memo was sent following the above letter: "The stupid jerk was reading

over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly read only the odd lines i.e. 1 3 5 7 etc for my true assessment Of him" (John)

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IF YOU'RE HAPPY

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decide not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold he changed his mind, and reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to the earth in a barnyard, almost frozen

A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird

The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.

Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing

Just then , a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

Old' Tom cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

THERE ARE THREE MORALS TO THIS STORY

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2.Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.

3.And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

 

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Micellanous Jokes

There was an argument in the topless bar when the customer complained that the beer was ok but the waitress was flat

A taxi driver who undid the woman's bra was charged with exceeding the limits in a built up area

For sale complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. Never been opened -- wife knows everything

The tortoise told the police that she had been raped by two snails. Can you describe them asked the cop. "No" she said it all happened so fast.

Letter from a soldier to his dad. Dear dad cant tell you where I am but yesterday I shot a polar bear
Two months later another letter arrived. Dear dad cant tell you where I am but yesterday I danced with a native girl
A month later the third letter arrived. Dear dad the doctor tells me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the girl

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BLONDE  JOKES

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So 
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone 
calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

 Just for the Women readers who don't like Blonde jokes

Subject: MEN
For all of you (especially men) who like to send blonde jokes, pay backs are hell....
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know: it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" 
God says: "So you would love her." 
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?
"God says: "So she would love you."

A mixed bundle of short jokes

GOOD QUESTION!!!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
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POOR BLONDES... (hehehe)
When blondes have more fun..... do they know it? 
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. 
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months..... I don't like to interrupt her.
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I still miss my ex... But my aim is getting better! 
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WARNING: Be nice to your kids... They'll choose your nursing home. 
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Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. 
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
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HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER.... LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW! 
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't most people happy? 
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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
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Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station? 
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What is a free gift?.. Aren't all gifts free? 
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I married Miss Right..... I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". 
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WEST VIRGINIA........ Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names 
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I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. 
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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 
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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. 
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BATHROOMS: 
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
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NICKNAMES: 
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.... But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. 
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Stress Management
If you feel that things are getting you down, work colleagues are irritating you and you just want to shout "STOP!!" at the top of your voice, then try this exercise in relaxation... Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. This is your own personal, secret place - nobody can bother you here. Continue to breathe deeply, feeling all the tensions evaporating in the crystal clear sky. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall, trickling into a pond next to you, fills the air with a cascade of serenity. Gaze into the clear, cool depths of the pond. Notice the sparkle of sunbeams on its surface. Still gazing into the water, continue to breathe deeply and slowly. The water is clear - focus your attention. You can easily see the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water. There... feeling better? 
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Q. Why was the blonde staring at the carton of orange juice? 
A. Because it said "Concentrate" 
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Q. If you pull the wings off of a fly... would it become a walk!? 
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One golfer tells another, "Hey guess what! I got a set of clubs for my wife." 
The other man replies: "GREAT TRADE!" 
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First guy: "My wife is an angel!" 
Second guy: "You're lucky, mines still alive!" 
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Man is incomplete un till he is married, 
Then he is finished! 
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A lady placed an add in the classifieds, "Husband wanted". 
The next day she received over 100 letters, they all said the same thing, 
"You can have mine!"  

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At a cocktail party, one woman said to the other, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" 
The woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man!" 
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Getting married is much like going to a restaurant with friends, 
you order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, 
you wish you had ordered that! 
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*Q.- How do crazy people go through the forest? 
*A.- They take the psycho path! 
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Your mommas so stupid...... 
it takes her an hour to make minute rice. 
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*Q.- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
*A.- Frostbite! 
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*Q.- How do you get Holy water? 
*A.- Boil the Hell out of it! 
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*Q.- What do prisoners use to call each other? 
*A.- Cell phones! 
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*Q.- What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? 
*A.- Polaroids. 
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* Your mommas so stupid.... 
she got stabbed in a shoot out! 
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*Q.- Why do gorillas have big nostrills? 
*A.- Because they have big fingers!

These  were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and  the answers are the  actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of  humour. 
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Q: Does it ever  get windy in Australia? I have never seen it  rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).   

A: We import all plants fully  grown and then just sit around watching them die.  
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Q: Will I be  able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)  

A: Depends how much you've been  drinking. 
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Q: I want to  walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the  railroad tracks?  (Sweden)  

A: Sure, it's only three  thousand miles, take lots of water. 
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Q: Are there  any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list  of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)  

A: What did your last slave die  of? 
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Q: Can you give  me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)  

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle  shaped continent south of Europe.    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not  .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings  Cross. Come naked. 
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Q: Which  direction is North in Australia? ( USA)  

A: Face south and then turn 180  degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the  directions. 
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Q: Can I bring  cutlery into Australia? ( UK)  

A: Why? Just use your fingers  like we do. 
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Q: Can you send  me the Vienna  Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)  

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint  little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the  Vienna Boys  Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo  races. Come naked. 
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Q: Can I wear  high heels in Australia? ( UK)  

A: You are a British politician,  right? 
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Q: Are there  supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)  

A: No, we are a peaceful  civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.   Milk is illegal.  
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Q: Please send  a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense  rattlesnake serum. (USA)  

A: Rattlesnakes live in  A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.   All Australian snakes are  perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.   
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Q: I have a  question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a  kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)  

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They  are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone  walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with  human urine before you go out walking.   
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Q: I have  developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.   Can you  tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)  

A: Anywhere significant numbers  of Americans gather. 
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Q: Can you tell  me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is  smaller than the male population? (Italy)  

A: Yes, gay night clubs.  
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Q: Do you  celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)  

A: Only at Christmas.  

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Q: I was in  Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I  want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you  help? (USA)   

A: Yes, and you will still have  to pay her by the hour. 
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Q: Will I be  able to speak English most places I go? (USA)  

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn  it first.
 

  12" Piano Man

 A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag?
 The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man of about 12 inches tall and sets him on the counter.
 He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
 The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing beautiful piece by Mozart.
 Where on earth did you get that?' asked the surprised bartender.
 The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here, rub it.'
 So the bartender rubs the lamp., and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish - just one'
 The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
 A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follows it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
 The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know. I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
 The man replies... 'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?? !!!!!!!!
 
 

 

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered! from ba d breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
                                                                Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but is on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..


Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'


'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'


'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.


The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from   San Francisco to New York City ?'


The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.


'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.'Oops!'

______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.


'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

______________________________ _______

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'

 

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